FOR LILI - the stupidest AA AU ever

[ephemerous]

[It's 23rd December, and this year, Christmas in Los Angeles has been blighted by terrible tragedy for many shoppers. A customer at Gatewater Mall, Elle Noelson, was found dead the day prior at the back of Santa's Grotto, the corpse hidden in a sack on Santa's Sleigh. Naturally, the murder was pinned on Santa himself, or his real name, Nick Saint, 48 years old and father of Christmas two.

What with most prosecutors having already signed off on leave for Christmas, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth had requested a favour from Nahyuta, a travelling international prosecutor from the mystical Kingdom of Khura'in. He obliged.

Which is why he's standing in court on the prosecutor's bench today, determined to prosecute the defendant, Nick Saint, with all his might.

Or he would be, but when the judge asks if the prosecution is ready to begin the trial, he's simply standing there, deep in prayer. This could take a while.]

Comments

[ephemerous]

How wonderful that you concede it is the murder weapon before my opening statement has even concluded. [His pleasant smile widens into something more condescending. He was trying to bait Lioriley on purpose, and so far, it's working.] As the detective was to explain in short order, only the defendant's fingerprints were found in such a position to suggest it was used and swung like a bat -- with the intention of killing. And it is the defendant who was that day performing his duties as Santa in Gatewater Mall, giving him exclusive access at all times to both the sleigh and the grotto.

[There are murmurs from the gallery. Nahyuta grabs the end of his scroll as if ready to roll it back up again.]

Thus, if you have no further objections to the murder weapon, we can conclude this trial and have the verdict handed down, so that the victim may be laid to rest. Thank you for being so cooperative.

[He looks to the judge expectantly, who looks bewildered. 'Are trials really so brief in Khura'in...?']

[prosey]

[ Oh shit. She should have seen that coming. But in her defense (Hah, get it?) there really wasn't a doubt in her mind that the oversized Candy Cane had been used as the murder weapon — all signs pointed to it, from the size of the wound on the victims' head, to the very obvious bloodstains that had been left behind. She straightens herself up as if trying to look bigger than she is — which probably looks more hilarious when one realizes she's standing on a box to properly see across the court.

She opens her mouth to argue her point further, saying something along the lines of — Those can't be the only fingerprints. or There's more than one way to swing a candy cane. Or something equally as stupid.

She doesn't get that far, however, when Nahyuta is basically wrapping up the trial before it even starts. ]

That does not prove anything! [ She shouts — no, that's not the right word. She slightly raises her voice, a frown creasing her lips. ] I have not had the chance to make my case, and I will not leave this room until I see my client freed from these charges. You have said your piece, so must I speak mine. [ You dick. ]

[ephemerous]

[Nahyuta sighs... suddenly a weird looking translucent butterfly flies down and lands on his outstretched hand. That sure is the soul of the victim just chilling out there.]

You are making a lot of noise, but I have yet to hear anything from you yet of substance, Ms Lioriley. [does she have a surname in this AU idk] By all means cease with dramatic declarations and say your piece, so that we may continue this trial.

[He's willing to listen, though he's very unlikely to agree with a word she says.]

[prosey]

[ Can she have a redo? Like, can she try this again with a normal prosecutor (if such things even exist)?? Because this is already ridiculous. ]

If only because you were so quick to dismiss my argument before I even had the chance to begin. [ She notes, giving him a pointed look before procuring her own papers before her. She doesn't have a fancy scroll like Nahyuta, but good old fashioned paper does the job well enough. ]

As Prosecutor Nahyuta has already informed us, it is likely that the oversized candy cane prop is the murder weapon. However, there is no confirmation that it was swung "Like a bat", nor that my client, Mr. Nick Saint, is the one that swung it at all.

[ She gives Nahyuta another look, as if waiting for him to interject before she continues. She clears her throat. ] The victim's body was found in the Grotto by a security guard after the mall had closed, but the autopsy suggests that she could have been there for a few hours beforehand. My client is a - er - diligent worker. [ She may be exaggerating. ] And there is plenty of photographic evidence to recount how long he sat in that chair taking pictures with children. He would not have the time to bludgeon someone, drag their body into a sack, and set it into place without anyone noticing.

[ephemerous]

Satorha! [Nahyuta shouts, and claps his hands together as if he has heard enough.] I was willing to give you a chance to assert your position, but I see you are as putrid of mind as all other lawyers here. Your unenlightened, wilful ignorance leads you by the nose, and thus you charge ahead into a clumsy defence without even examining all of the evidence before you. Stop and take stock of the path you are on, before it leads your soul to one of ruin.

[With this sermon done, he looks over to the witness stand.]

Detective, please take the stand, and illuminate this sinner's misconceptions. We will start with the murder weapon.

[The detective, as with all of Nahyuta's cases, is his partner Ema Skye. She's slightly disgruntled to be brought in as part of his sermon to the defence, not being religious in the slightest, but she obliges in testifying. She brings a model replica of the murder weapon into court, demonstrating how the prints indicate it was held by the accused. A suspicious two-handed grip at the base, where it could easily be held and swung. The bloodstains were wiped away, but they still stain the end of the candy cane, and are consistent with the victim's blood.

Satisfied with that testimony, Nahyuta looks back at Lioriley.]

Well, defence? Feel free to cross-examine her testimony, but the evidence is already damning. [The rest of her objections to the prosecution's case, he'll pick apart in a short while.]

WTF AM I DOING CANDACE!!!!!

[prosey]

[ She may be human in this verse, but her hearing is still absolutely ridiculous. So the sudden shout has her flinching, nearly jerking back and away from the bench before she realizes that Nahyuta is the one yelling.

And he's also insulting her, which is... super rude?? And wholly unnecessary. She stares at him while he speaks, brows furrowing slightly and she looks like she wants to defend herself — but she decides it better to just ... not. There's more important things at hand than the monk's sermon and commentary about how horrible lawyers are. Rude.

She turns her attention to Ema, listening intently as she speaks. Things aren't sounding great for her defendant, but she doesn't seem entirely perturbed by the testimony; like she already knows something they don't. Or she's pokerfacing like a champ right now. ]

Based on the evidence, Ms. Noelson was struck from behind on the right side of her skull, correct? [ She hums, extending her hand and asking to see the murder weapon to accent the point she's about to make. ] How is it, then, that my client hit her in such a fashion. [ She's holding the candy cane like a bat, right hand atop the left. As she speaks, she switches sides, left over the right. ] If he is left handed?